On My Road Pat Robertson's Jesus As


What Follows is a transcript of a 'Geraldo' which aired sometime after The Second Coming.

GERALDO: ...Thanks for being on our show Mohammed, sorry it didn't work out. And now, ladies and gentleman, our next guest truly needs no introduction. He's somebody you've read about in the Bible, sung about in church [Geraldo is checking his teeth in a mirror held by an off-camera assistant as he speaks] and celebrated on our favorite national holidays. A warm Geraldo welcome please for Jesus Christ.

The "Hallelujah Chorus" is played as Jesus walks to a throne on stage and the audience applauds wildly. Geraldo scurries to the mirror to check his hair and mustache.

GERALDO: Welcome to our show, Jesus...may I call you Jesus?

JESUS: Sure. Or ''Lord.'' I like ''Lord.'' Or ''The Risen One.'' Whatever.

GERALDO: Thank you, Lord. And may I say what an honor...

JESUS: ...I know, I know. Let's get on with it. I've got some meetings.

GERALDO: Sure, sure. May I ask what meetings you might be attending, Jesus?

JESUS: Really none of your business, but I'll tell you anyway. I'm meeting with my manager, Pat Robertson. We're discussing some endorsement deals for vitamins with me on the label."Jesus Christ Vitamins." To be sold exclusively at Robertson's Holy Mart. Also meeting with my P.R. guy, Ralph Reed, of the Christian Coalition. And I'm throwing a few people into the fiery lake.

Geraldo runs to the mirror and checks his fly, his tie and his teeth.

GERALDO: Fiery lake, huh? Well I hope you don't see me there, right audience?

The audience laughs and applauds and looks at the studio monitors above their heads to watch themselves laughing and applauding.

GERALDO: So about that fiery lake, Jesus, who should be worried?

JESUS: Sinners.

GERALDO: Yes, Lord, I know, sinners; but could you be more specific?

JESUS: Sure. Ask me.

GERALDO: Ask you?

JESUS: Yes, ask me.

GERALDO: Ask you what?

JESUS: Names, man! Groups, bunches of people! Give me some names. Make some suggestions. It's your show. I'm not doing the work. Myself! You can be real slow. What are you, Puerto Rican?

GERALDO: Yes, Lord.

JESUS: How you fixed for asbestos?

GERALDO: What...?

JESUS: Relax. A joke. Come on, names for the fiery lake. Ask me! Myself on a crutch!

GERALDO: Well I think it's obvious that many religious conservatives were concerned with same sex marriages between gays...

JESUS: Faggots.

GERALDO: I beg your pardon?

JESUS: Faggots, not gays. Faggots. That's what I call them.

GERALDO: I see. And that would answer my question about lesbians...

JESUS: Dykes.

GERALDO: ...As well.

JESUS: Doomed. Burning for eternity. Whoopee! Hot! Hot! Hot! Yep I'm throwing all fags and dykes into the fiery lake. Going to be a big Christian Coalition Send-'Em-All-To-Hell Bowl at the Astrodome where I actually send sinners to hell. Bigger than the Super Bowl. They're not even having the Super Bowl this year it's so big. Pat Boone is singing at half time and somebody named Kathie Lee something...

GERALDO: Gifford?

JESUS: Yeah, Gifford. Any kin to Frank?

GERALDO: Yes, Lord. His wife.

JESUS: Really? Gifford was a great quarterback. Why is his wife out?


JESUS: Yeah, out! What are you, deaf AND Puerto Rican? Myself, Mary and Joseph! Why is Kathie Lee out of the house and singing at half time of the Christian Coalition Send-'Em-All-To-Hell Bowl instead of being at home with her children?

GERALDO: I don't know.

JESUS: Is she a witch?

GERALDO: I don't think so.

JESUS: Is she a baby killer?

GERALDO: No, I'm sure she's not.

JESUS: Because if she's a witch and a baby killer like most modern, liberated women, I'll throw her ass into the fiery lake. No half time show for Kathie Lee, huh, greaseball?

Geraldo is at the mirror brushing his teeth and is startled by Jesus calling him a greaseball.

GERALDO: Beg pardon?


GERALDO: Yes, yes, Risen One, I did understand, and it certainly would be a surprise.

JESUS: Damned straight. What else?

GERALDO: Well, what about your Kingdom on Earth?

JESUS: Right, my Kingdom. What about it?

GERALDO[A quick glance to the mirror and a smile at himself]: Well, Lord, who would we find there...will we find there, in your Kingdom?

JESUS: Good question, greaser. My Kingdom. Okay. Well, the rich will be in my kingdom, and quite frankly, that's about it. The Christian Coalition. Rich, Christian conservatives. Rich, conservative families with lots of kids.

GERALDO: What about the poor?

JESUS: What about them?

GERALDO: Isn't there a place for them in your Kingdom?

JESUS: Nope, not a chance.

GERALDO: But what about, ''It's easier for a camel to go through...''

JESUS: Yeah, yeah, ''...The eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, blah, blah;'' but I never said that. Lousy translation. What I said was, To hell with the poor. Whoopee. Hot! Hot! Hot!

GERALDO: All the poor? Including the children?

JESUS: Especially the children.

GERALDO: But what about, ''Suffer little children to come unto me and forbid them not for of such is the kingdom of heaven''?

JESUS: Never said it. One more screw-up in translation from the Aramaic. Just like that ''eye of needle'' crap. Some greaseball Greek or Hebe scholar was wasted on retsina for that one. What I said was, ''Little children will suffer in the Kingdom of Heaven.'' That's because I don't like kids unless they're rich kids who will grow up to be rich, conservative adults. Otherwise, to hell with them.

GERALDO: I see. By the way, Lord, why the ethnic slurs? I was surprised particularly to hear you being anti-Semitic just then. Aren't you Jewish?

JESUS: Hell, no. Another greaseball translation. I'm white. Aryan. Caucasian. Hasn't Pat Robertson made that clear? Don't be stupid, greaser. What else?

GERALDO: Well, I just wondered...did you say, ''Blessed are the peacemakers...''

JESUS: What the hell do you think? Do you think I said it? And stop looking at me! Why are you looking at me? Haven't you seen a shining raiment before? Wanna fight, spic? I'll knock you across the room! I'll kick your ass so bad your dog will hurt!

GERALDO: Well I guess that answers that one.

JESUS: Damned straight! I'm outa here. Get my car and tell Pat I'm on my way. Where's Lutèce? ###

Transcription of GERALDO by Britt Leach. Appeared in ON MY ROAD in the March/April 1996 issue. ©1996 COUNTRY CONNECTIONS.


In the category of humor, please also see Dr. Faux—even though he wouldn't appreciate the categorization.